Show don’t tell

Show Don’t Tell

Writing your first novel-Some things you should know, , Leave a comment

Of everything I’ve learned on my journey, and there’s been a lot, Action does not equate to showing. I was dinged early in my writing because I seemed to have a love affair with telling versus showing.

In my mind, if the character was moving or doing something active, I was showing. While that’s partially true, and you do want your character moving, Action isn’t always equated to showing.

Here’s an example.

*She raced through the street with her adversary in hot pursuit. Capture was not an option.

This sentence does paint a picture in your head, but you’re on the outside watching. (Telling) You need to be walking this out through your character’s eyes. Get into their head. Use those senses. How is this chase impacting him/her?

**Her heart nearly beat out of her chest, and she struggled to breath as her footsteps quickened. The sound of her pursuers grew louder with each passing second. She glanced back and forth looking for a way of escape. Capture was not an option.

Not sure if this is the greatest of examples, but it is enough to give you an idea of the point I’m trying to convey.

By using senses and getting into the character’s head, you become a part of the scene, walking it out with them.

Another plus is you just doubled or tripled your word count 🙂

Something to think about.

-Jan R

Show Don’t Tell

Dialect-Use it Wisely but Use it!

Writing your first novel-Some things you should know, , Leave a comment

Dialogue is one of my favorite tools in the writing arsenal. You can do so much with it and if done correctly it will keep your story moving forward by showing not telling. One of the key components in dialogue is dialect. Use it wisely but use it. One thing you want to avoid is coming across offensive or stereotypical(racist). 

Dialect allows you to differentiate between characters and get a better understanding about who they are. You can learn a lot about a person based on their accent, grammar, and choice of words. Dialect done properly suggests- education level, social status, race, and ethnicity.

Examples of slang, nonstandard syntax, or grammar to suggest race, social class, education i.e.

gonna vs. going to

kinda vs kind of

holler vs hollow

don’t matta vs It doesn’t matter.

If you have a character from abroad throw in some regional slang (Scottish say-aye for yes and bairns for children).

The next time you read a book take a close look at your characters and their dialect. You will learn a lot. The fact that you didn’t even think about it while reading the novel is a plus for the author. It was seamlessly woven into the story.

Speech pattern is important as well, but it’s less about dialect and more about consistency and knowing your character. If your character is……

  • terse                –   short burst of speech
  • angry               –   speaks through clinched teeth
  • nervous            –   stammers or rambles
  • domineering    –   silent and threatening or rages

If you’re writing science fiction you can develop you own language and your own rules. There are no limits. Just be consistent.

Hope this gives you something to think about when writing dialogue. Remember to differentiate through dialect, and the dialect should match your characters position in society. Also remember to be consistent with speech patterns, unless an evolution in speech pattern is an integral part of the story (Flowers for Algernon, My fair lady).

-Jan R

Dialect-Use it Wisely but Use it!

Editing – Where Do I Begin?

Writing your first novel-Some things you should know, , , Leave a comment

Being a first time Author, I had no idea how complex the editing process was.  My idea of editing included spell check, making sure punctuation was used appropriately, and everything was in the right tense (past, present…).

As I stated in an earlier blog, my novel was rejected the first time for having grammatical and structural errors as well as the dreaded dragging dialogue.  Keep in mind this wasn’t the complete manuscript. The agent would have probably found far worse if she had read more of it.

When you begin editing and you will,  you’ll want to take a closer look at everything. You may need to do some research, take classes, or do tutorial type seminars online. Below is a sample of the types of questions you should be asking as you read through your work.

  • How’s the flow of your dialogue? Is it necessary? Does it move your story forward or just sit like a rock taking up space and killing the moment?
  • How is the pacing? I like novels that move at a faster pace, however I know you have to slow them down occasionaly so the reader can catch their breath.
  • Does your plot make sense, does it flow throughout the story with smooth transitions from chapter to chapter?
  • What about your character development? Have you created real, likable Characters? Can your reader identify with them?
  • Word choice-is there a better way to say something?
  • Are you showing and not telling?
  • Have you mastered emotions you are trying to convey? Can you feel the tension rising?

Ask others to read your work as well, or if you would prefer not to do that then join a group online. Scribophile would be an excellent choice. I am a member of their group. Thousands of want to be authors are on the site, and they will read and critique what you have written. They would love the opportunity to interface and exchange information.

I wouldn’t rule out hiring and editor. I am currently working with a developmental editor. They can be pricey, but they have an editor’s eye and sees things that you don’t.

-Jan R

Editing – Where Do I Begin?

Narrative Do’s and Don’ts

Writing your first novel-Some things you should know, , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

You would think by now I would have this one figured out, but maybe not. The last contest I entered had a recurring theme from the judges. You have to show and not tell. I thought I was showing, well turns out I was telling with action. Yes, narrative can move a story forward or stop it abruptly, depending on how you use it. And while narrative is not always bad, the rule of thumb is show not tell.

Now back to Narrative Do’s and Don’ts

Narrative. Should I or shouldn’t I? We all know the unspoken rule of writing. And for those who need a reminder, it’s show don’t tell. With this being said, there are legitimate reasons for using narrative and there are legitimate reasons for not using narrative.

Dos and Don’ts

  • Do – use Narrative to speed through scenes that aren’t important but relevant to the storyline.
  • Do – use Narrative to slow the pace after an intense scene to allow your reader to catch their breath.
  • Do – use Narrative to show the passing of time.
  • Don’t – Narrative can sound like lecture if not done properly. Someone interrupted the story to give a speech.
  • Don’t – Narrative summary can make it unclear whose POV you’re working in.
  • Don’t – Narrative runs the risk of robbing scenes of their power. It summarizes everything and important scenes aren’t allowed to play out.

So, there it is. There is much more to Narrative that I’m not getting into today, but hopefully this short blog gives you something to think about. Narrative is an important tool in writing when used correctly, but can be your downfall if used incorrectly.

Something to think about.

-Jan R

Narrative Do’s and Don’ts

How Do I Show and Not Tell?

Writing your first novel-Some things you should know, , , , , , Leave a comment

A simple question with what should be a simple answer, but I can tell you it’s a lot harder than you think. I did major revisions on my current novel and entered it in a contest expecting rave reviews. Well, at least good ones. All three judges came to the same conclusion. I was telling far more than I was showing.

While some narrative is necessary, it shouldn’t be front loaded, and it should be balanced with dialogue and action.

Jerry Jenkins, one of my favorite blogger/mentors in the writing arena, said show don’t tell is a hard concept for most new writers to grasp, but once you’ve got it, you’ve got it.

I agree with him totally and am in the process of revising my manuscript to show not tell again 🙂 One thing to keep in mind while writing, just because there’s a lot of action doesn’t mean you’re showing. A mistake I made.

Exxample:

John’s horse’s hoofs seemed to take flight as it ran for safety. (A lot of action there and a pretty sentence too, but I’m telling.)

John held on tight, as his hips ached, and his teeth rattled from quick repetitive thumps on the saddle. What spooked my horse?

The second sentence may not be perfect 🙂 but I hope it helps you understand show not tell. Just because your sentences are packed with action, doesn’t mean they are showing. Get into your character’s head. What are they feeling? What are they thinking? What are they seeing?

I thought I could use a refresher on how to show and not tell, and why it’s so important. Of course, I wanted to share it with you.

I can’t count how many times I’ve heard the phrase-show don’t tell. Everybody knows you’re supposed to show and not tell. You want the reader to experience the scene as if they are one of the characters walking through the story beside the hero/heroine.

If you’re like me, you know what you’re supposed to do, but it’s a lot harder than it seems. Once you start writing that novel, you’ll understand what I’m talking about.

There are 5 tools for showing:

  • Dialogue
  • Action
  • Interior dialogue
  • Interior emotion
  • Description-Sensory

If you’re doing anything that’s not one of these 5 things, you’re telling.

Why is it so important to show versus tell? Showing provides your reader with a powerful emotional experience.

It doesn’t matter how great you do everything else in that novel if you’re missing that emotional experience, you lose. If everything you did is bad, but you have a great emotional experience, you may still win.

It all comes down to the takeaway. Every great novelist will tell you, you have to give your reader that powerful emotional experience or they won’t be coming back.

-Something to think about 🙂

-Jan R

How Do I Show and Not Tell?

Be Definite, Specific, and Concrete – Revisited

Writing your first novel-Some things you should know, , , , , Leave a comment

Don’t you hate it when you’re talking to somebody and they are all wishy-washy? Why can’t they just come out and say it? Most of the time you know what they are getting at and want to spit it out for them. Well, the same thing goes for writing.

The surest way to gain and hold a reader’s attention is through definite, specific, concrete writing. Don’t make me as a reader try to figure out what you are trying to say. It’s not my place to write your novel. I just want to read and enjoy it. Allow me to enter the realm of your imagination without trying to figure out every little detail myself.

Examples:

The weather was dreadful. vs. It rained every day for a week.

He was happy to take possession of his well-earned reward. vs. He smiled as he placed the coin in his pocket.

I don’t think I have to point out which sentence in these examples is the more specific and concrete. Also, you may have noticed when I went concrete, I lost the passive “be” verbs 🙂

Best-selling authors are effective because they deal in particulars and report details that matter in a definite, specific, concrete way.

Just something to think about.

-Jan R

Be Definite, Specific, and Concrete – Revisited

Narratives -Should I or Shouldn’t I?

Writing your first novel-Some things you should know, Leave a comment

Narrative. Should I or shouldn’t I? We all know the unspoken rule of writing. And for those who need a reminder, it’s show don’t tell. With this being said, there are legitimate reasons for using narrative and there are legitimate reasons for not using narrative.

Dos and Don’ts

  • Do – use Narrative to speed through scenes that aren’t important but relevant to the storyline.
  • Do – use Narrative to slow the pace after an intense scene to allow your reader to catch their breath.
  • Do – use Narrative to show the passing of time.
  • Don’t – Narrative can sound like lecture if not done properly. Someone interrupted the story to give a speech.
  • Don’t – Narrative summary can make it unclear whose POV you’re working in.
  • Don’t – Narrative runs the risk of robbing scenes of their power. It summarizes everything and important scenes aren’t allowed to play out.

So, there it is. There is much more to Narrative that I’m not getting into today, but hopefully this short blog gives you something to think about. Narrative is an important tool in writing when used correctly, but if used incorrectly, it will pull your reader out of the story and their suspension of disbelief. Use it sparingly.

-Jan R

                                       

Narratives -Should I or Shouldn’t I?

195 Powerful Verbs That Will Spice Up Your Writing

Writing your first novel-Some things you should know, , , Leave a comment

I wish I could take credit for this blog, but it was written by Jerry Jenkins. He is probably my favorite blogger and one of my favorite authors. You can find him at jerryjenkins.com

I share this blog every year to catch my new subscribers and remind myself and my older subscribers of the importance of powerful verbs.

He gave permission to share his work with any writer who needed to read it. He wanted to get the word out. I thought about you, my followers.

Jerry Jenkins ….

Do you ever wonder why a grammatically correct sentence you’ve written just lies there like a dead fish? I sure have.

Your sentence might even be full of those adjectives and adverbs your teachers and loved ones so admired in your writing when you were a kid.

But still the sentence doesn’t work.

Something simple I learned from The Elements of Style years ago changed the way I write and added verve to my prose. The authors of that little bible of style said: “Write with nouns and verbs, not with adjectives and adverbs.”

Even Mark Twain was quoted, regarding adjectives: “When in doubt, strike it out.”

That’s not to say there’s no place for adjectives. I used three in the title and first paragraph of this post alone.

The point is that good writing is more about well-chosen nouns and powerful verbs than it is about adjectives and adverbs, regardless of what you were told as a kid.

There’s no quicker win for you and your manuscript than ferreting out and eliminating flabby verbs and replacing them with vibrant ones.

How To Know Which Verbs Need Replacing

Your first hint is your own discomfort with a sentence. Odds are it features a snooze-inducing verb.

As you hone your ferocious self-editing skills, train yourself to exploit opportunities to replace a weak verb for a strong one.

At the end of this post I suggest a list of 195 powerful verbs you can experiment with to replace tired ones.

What constitutes a tired verb? Here’s what to look for:

3 Types of Verbs to Beware of in Your Prose

1. State-of-being verbs

These are passive as opposed to powerful:

  • Is
  • Am
  • Are
  • Was
  • Were
  • Be
  • Being
  • Been
  • Have
  • Has
  • Had
  • Do
  • Does
  • Did
  • Shall
  • Will
  • Should
  • Would
  • May
  • Might
  • Must
  • Can
  • Could

Am I saying these should never appear in your writing? Of course not. You’ll find them in this piece. But when a sentence lies limp, you can bet it contains at least one of these. Determining when a state-of-being verb is the culprit creates a problem—and finding a better, more powerful verb to replace it—is what makes us writers. [Note how I replaced the state-of-being verbs in this paragraph.]

Resist the urge to consult a thesaurus for the most exotic verb you can find. I consult such references only for the normal word that carries power but refuses to come to mind.

I would suggest even that you consult my list of powerful verbs only after you have exhausted all efforts to come up with one on your own. You want Make your prose any your own creation, not yours plus Roget or Webster or Jenkins. [See how easy they are to spot and fix?]

Examples

Impotent: The man was walking on the platform.

Powerful: The man strode along the platform.

Impotent: Jim is a lover of country living.

Powerful: Jim treasures country living.

Impotent: There are three things that make me feel the way I do


Powerful: Three things convince me


2. Verbs that rely on adverbs

Powerful verbs are strong enough to stand alone.

Examples

The fox ran quickly dashed through the forest.

She menacingly looked glared at her rival.

He secretly listened eavesdropped while they discussed their plans.

3. Verbs with -ing suffixes

Examples

Before: He was walking


After: He walked


Before: She was loving the idea of


After: She loved the idea of


Before: The family was starting to gather


After: The family started to gather


The List of 195 Powerful Verbs

  • Advance
  • Advise
  • Alter
  • Amend
  • Amplify
  • Attack
  • Balloon
  • Bash
  • Batter
  • Beam
  • Beef
  • Blab
  • Blast
  • Bolt
  • Boost
  • Brief
  • Burst
  • Bus
  • Bust
  • Capture
  • Catch
  • Charge
  • Chap
  • Chip
  • Clasp
  • Climb
  • Clutch
  • Collide
  • Command
  • Crackle
  • Crash
  • Crush
  • Dash
  • Demolish
  • Depart
  • Deposit
  • Detect
  • Deviate
  • Devour
  • Direct
  • Discern
  • Discover
  • Drain
  • Drip
  • Drop
  • Eavesdrop
  • Engulf
  • Enlarge
  • Ensnare
  • Erase
  • Escort
  • Expand
  • Explode
  • Explore
  • Expose
  • Extend
  • Extract
  • Eyeball
  • Fish
  • Frown
  • Gaze
  • Glare
  • Glisten
  • Glitter
  • Gobble
  • Govern
  • Grasp
  • Grip
  • Groan
  • Growl
  • Guide
  • Hail
  • Heighten
  • Hurry
  • Ignite
  • Illuminate
  • Inspect
  • Instruct
  • Intensify
  • Intertwine
  • Impart
  • Journey
  • Lash
  • Lead
  • Leap
  • Locate
  • Magnify
  • Moan
  • Modify
  • Multiply
  • Mushroom
  • Mystify
  • Notice
  • Notify
  • Obtain
  • Oppress
  • Order
  • Paint
  • Park
  • Peck
  • Peek
  • Peer
  • Perceive
  • Picture
  • Pilot
  • Pinpoint
  • Place
  • Plant
  • Plop
  • Poison
  • Pop
  • Position
  • Power
  • Prickle
  • Probe
  • Prune
  • Realize
  • Recite
  • Recoil
  • Refashion
  • Refine
  • Remove
  • Report
  • Retreat
  • Reveal
  • Revolutionize
  • Revolve
  • Rip
  • Rise
  • Ruin
  • Rush
  • Rust
  • Scan
  • Scrape
  • Scratch
  • Scrawl
  • Seize
  • Serve
  • Shatter
  • Shepherd
  • Shimmer
  • Shine
  • Shock
  • Shrivel
  • Sizzle
  • Skip
  • Slash
  • Slide
  • Slip
  • Slurp
  • Smash
  • Snag
  • Snarl
  • Snowball
  • Soar
  • Sparkle
  • Sport
  • Stare
  • Steal
  • Steer
  • Storm
  • Strain
  • Stretch
  • Strip
  • Stroll
  • Struggle
  • Stumble
  • Supercharge
  • Supersize
  • Surge
  • Survey
  • Swell
  • Swipe
  • Swoon
  • Tail
  • Tattle
  • Transfigure
  • Transform
  • Travel
  • Treat
  • Trim
  • Uncover
  • Unearth
  • Untangle
  • Unveil
  • Usher
  • Veil
  • Weave
  • Wind
  • Withdraw
  • Wreck
  • Wrench
  • Wrest
  • Wrestle
  • Wring

Of course there are many more. Jerry Jenkins just provided a list of examples to get you thinking 🙂

-Jan R

195 Powerful Verbs That Will Spice Up Your Writing

Will Your Manuscript Be Rejected?

Writing your first novel-Some things you should know, , , , , , , Leave a comment

I have to admit I’m wondering this myself right now. I submitted my second novel for consideration of representation a little over a month ago. I do multiple submissions after reviewing the biographies and type of work each of the literary agents represents, and like you, sit back and wait anxiously. Well, that isn’t totally true. I do try to busy myself with other projects while I wait, but the thoughts are never far from my mind.

After submitting the initial queries, I got a request for a full proposal. This was something I’ve never done before, at least not in the detail that the agent asked. I wrote a blog on this a couple of weeks ago in hopes of giving you a heads up. At any rate, I’m on the edge of my seat waiting for a response. The proposal was a rush job as I thought he wanted it immediately, but apparently not. I suppose I should have asked when he needed it. If I had just a few more days, it would have been so much better. Yes, I battle the same thoughts and second guesses you do 🙂

Enough babbling now let’s get to the blog.

This is one of my favorite blogs. I wish I could claim it, but the post was actually written by Jerry Jenkins. I love his work. If you haven’t visited him, I would highly recommend you do. He did put a disclaimer at the end of this article saying it was ok to share with friends, so I am in no way stealing his work. Hope this helps someone and hope you consider visiting his site.

It doesn’t sound fair.

It doesn’t seem right.

But here’s a dirty little secret of the writing life you need to hear:

Any veteran editor can tell within two minutes whether they’re going to reject your manuscript.

It takes longer to decide whether they’ll recommend it for purchase, of course, but—sad to say—it can, and often does, go into the reject pile just that fast.

“What?” you say. “Before I’ve had a chance to wow them with my stupendous villain? Before my mind-blowing twist? Before my plot really takes off?”

Sorry.

And I’m not exaggerating.

Why?

Because the competition is so stiff and editors have so many manuscripts to read, you have only nanoseconds to grab them by the throat and hang on.

Every writing mentor hammers at this ad infinitum: Your editor is your first reader.

Every word counts. You get one chance. You must capture them from the get-go.

Am I saying editors look for reasons to reject your work?

No, no, a thousand times no! They’re looking for the next Harry Potter!

Editors want you to succeed!

Then how can they know so quickly that your book won’t cut it?

In my lifetime in the business I’ve heard dozens of reasons, but let me give you my personal top five from my experience as both an editor and publisher:

  1. Throat-clearing

This is what editors call anything that comes before a story or chapter finally, really, begins. It usually consists of a page or two of scene setting and background. Get on with the story. Get your main character introduced, establish and upset some status quo, then plunge him into terrible trouble that reveals the engine of your story. Is it a quest, a journey, a challenge, what?

There’ll be plenty of time to work in all those details that seemed so important while you were throat-clearing that would have cost you a sale. For now, your job is to start with a bang.

  1. Too many characters introduced too quickly

I’m usually wary of generalizations or hard and fast rules, but almost any time I see more than three characters within the first few pages, my eyes start to swim. If I feel like I need a program to keep track of the players, I quickly lose interest.

Your reader is trying to comprehend the story, and if you ask him to start cataloging a cast of characters right away, you risk losing him. Keep things simple until the story has taken shape.

  1. Point of View violations

Maintain a single Point of View (POV) for every scene. Violate that cardinal rule and you expose yourself as an amateur right out of the gate. Beginners often defend themselves against this criticism by citing classics by famous authors or citing J.K. Rowling, the exception who proves the rule.

Times change. Readers’ tastes evolve. This is the rule for today, and it’s true of what sells.

  1. Clichés, and not just words and phrases

There are also clichéd situations, like starting your story with the main character waking to an alarm clock, a character describing herself while looking in a full-length mirror, future love interests literally bumping into each other upon first meeting, etc.

Also avoid beginning with an evocative, dramatic scene, and surprise, surprise, the main character wakes up to discover it’s all been a dream. There’s nothing wrong with dreams, but having them come as surprises has been used to death and takes all the air from the balloon of your story.

It’s also a clichĂ© to have your main character feel his heart pound, race, thud, or hammer; and then he gasps, sucks wind, his breath comes short
 If you describe the scene properly, your reader should experience all that and you shouldn’t have to say your character did. Put your character into a rough enough situation, and the reader will know what he’s feeling without having to be told—and hopefully, he’ll share his distress.

  1. Simply bad writing:
  • Written-ese

This is what I call that special language we all tend to use when we forget to Just Say It. I recently edited this sentence from a beginner: “The fire drop from the pommel of Tambre’s sword shot past the shimmering silver mist of her involuntary dispersal.”

I had to read a few more paragraphs to have a clue to what it even meant. That’s written-ese.

Hollywood screenwriters coined this term for prose that exactly mirrors real life but fails to advance your plot. There’s nothing wrong with the words themselves, except that they could be synopsized to save the reader’s time and patience. A perfect example is replacing all the hi’s and hello’s and how are you’s that precede meaningful dialogue with something like: “After trading pleasantries, Jim asked Fred if he’d heard about what had happened to Tricia. ‘No, what?’”

  • Passive voice

Avoid state-of-being verbs. Change sentences like “There was a man standing
” to “A man stood
”

  • Needless words

The most famous rule in the bible of writing hints, The Elements of Style, is “Omit Needless Words,” which follows its own advice. This should be the hallmark of every writer.

Example: The administrative assistant ushered me through the open door into the CEO’s office, and I sat down in a chair across from his big, wood desk.

Edit: Obviously, there would be a door. And even more obviously, it would be open. If I sat, I would sit “down,” and naturally it would be in a chair. Because I’m seeing the CEO, a description of his desk would be notable only if it weren’t big or wood.

Result: The administrative assistant ushered me into the CEO’s office, and I sat across from his desk.

Re-examine these 5 common mistakes, and study more self-editing tips here, 

-Jan R

Will Your Manuscript Be Rejected?

Why I Enter Writing Contests and You Should Too!

Writing your first novel-Some things you should know, , , Leave a comment

I published this blog a couple of months ago and got little traffic, even though I thought it was one of my most informative blogs to date. Maybe the title wasn’t catchy enough or wasn’t reflecting what I was trying to say. So, I decided to repost under a different name. For the newbies out there, the title does matter.

I entered the ACFW Genesis contest a couple of months ago and received the results from the judges this past week. I did not win, but received a plethora of information that I could use to improve my novel as well as future endeavors.

I’m posting the tally sheet with the middle score and judge who offered the most commentary. Two of the judges really seemed to like my work, and one did not. But I’m leaving that for a future blog post 🙂

They were judging my summary and the first fifteen pages of the novel. Along with the scorecard, they provided commentary on those pages, pointing out the reason I received the scores that I did and ways to improve my writing.

The judges were editors and published authors. They were people with experience. If you’re like me, you’ve had friends and family review your work. While they can tell you if it’s a good story or not, they probably don’t have a clear understanding of the mechanics or expectations a book requires to be published.

It was $35 dollars well spent. I got invaluable information, and a chance to get my work in front of professionals in the field.

The takeaway from their reviews is that it is a great story but needs some polish 🙂

Entry: Ariel’s Revenge

Judge #: GHRJ298 | File Name: 000069014.docx

QuestionScoreComment
Does the entry hold your interest to the end?5.00Yes, I found the summary very interesting! Love that it’s a complex adventure with mystery.
Is the point of view consistent? Are POV changes smooth and logical?5.00Yes, each is well-placed.
Do sensory details (sight, sound, touch, smell, taste) enhance the scenes?4.00It is mostly smell and feel.
Is there a sense of time and place?4.00I can tell by the way they speak and transportation that it’s like the 1700s, but I’m not sure when exactly.
Do the scenes move the story forward?3.00Yes, but Ariel reflects and comments too much and repeats those that they slow down the story and tension. I have pointed this out in the Word doc.
Is there an opening line that immediately hooks the reader into the story?5.00Yes, I like that it starts with Ariel speaking and it gives mystery to why she’s doing what she’s doing that I want to keep reading to find out.
Is the writing fresh and original?4.00Mostly, it just gets weighed down by all the commentary and repetition. I’d like to see some beautifully written lines. But the POVs do have personality.
Does the writer utilize showing and telling?4.00Mostly so.
Is the author’s voice distinct?4.00Mostly because of the strong personalities of POVs.
Do you get a strong sense of what the story will be about?5.00Yes, and not just because of the summary. I can tell her plans won’t work out the way she’d like, that Blake will butt heads with her but they will fall in love, and that her step-uncle will be hot on her trial and catch up to her and reveal who her father really was and how he was murdered.
Does the author have a command of the elements of grammar, punctuation, and spelling?5.00Yes. There were only like 3 places that needed fixing.
Does the manuscript reflect Christian worldview? Are the story and plot elements compatible with the genre category?5.00Yes, although, so far, it is only Ariel who prays and exudes Christian-like attributes.
Is the dialogue between characters strong, revealing plot and emotion in a way that creates tension? Does it help move the story forward?4.00Yes, but I’d like for Ariel to have someone like her handmaid help her escape just so she has some real dialogue and someone to talk to. I get that she’s on her own, but her scenes feel very isolated.
Are the characters’ voices distinct and appropriate for the setting (time period or scenario?)4.00Mostly so. They each speak in a way and use terms for that time period. There were only a few lines that didn’t seem to fit the way they are worded.
Is the narrative necessary and well-placed with the dialogue?5.00Yes, each POV comes across as well-placed with strong motives and something to add to the story.
Are character motivations powerful enough to create sufficient conflict?4.00Yes, however, I know the most about the antagonist, her step-uncle, in what he wants and why and how he’s going to get it and what stands in his way. I only know that Ariel doesn’t want to marry him but not really what she thinks about marriage or what she wants for herself or even how she plans to clear her father’s name. I know that Blake wants to avenge his fallen comrades and get to what really happened that night, but so far I do not get the sense from what I know from the summary that he’s a rake. I’m not sure what he wants exactly or why he’s a spy.
Is the tension and conflict discernable enough to tell what the story will be about?4.00Yes, although if Ariel, Blake, and Charles’s motives were clearer, we’d have more specific conflicts.
Is the goal and purpose of the main character identifiable? Do you get a sense of what he/she wants?4.00Mostly, see my explanation above about their motives.
Do secondary characters contribute to the story?4.00Yes, they add important dialogue and tension.
Do characters’ emotions seem believable by providing understandable motive?5.00Yes, I get a sense of urgency from Ariel, sadness from Blake, and anger from Charles.
Total Score:87.00 

Hope this helps someone.

-Jan R

Why I Enter Writing Contests and You Should Too!